Ok, so now it is about four months since I last had any treatment. Just going back and remembering where I was a few months ago.
My operation lasted ten hours. That was a very long time for anyone to to be under anaesthetic. I was sixty six, so not a spring chicken. I was in a terrible state immediately after the operation. When I came round I was extremely groggy to say the least. I was not able to remain conscious for long and when I was conscious it was like being a part of a dream. I remember my family standing by the side of the bed. I was in a lot of pain from the operation. My oncologist said before the operation that you will go through hell when you wake up and he wasn't joking. I had a morphine line fixed to me and a button to press to push more morphine into my blood stream when required. I was attached to a paracetamol intravenous drip as well, which was releasing constant paracetamol into my body. I tried to speak to my family but my lips were swollen and I didn't make much sense as I was also slurring my speech. I did not have enough strength to push the morphine button, so my family had to do that for me when I indicated I needed more, which was very frequent. My lovely wife told the night duty Sister that I could not push the button to stop the pain and asked if she could sit with me all night to push the button when required. The kind Sister said that it was not allowed but if she sat next to my bed quietly then it would be ok. When the morning shift came on, the new Sister asked my wife why she was there. My wife explained to her and the Sister was annoyed and said you can not stay any longer and my wife had to leave. I do not know what would have happened if my wife had not stayed. I could not stop the dreadful pain without morphine and did not have the strength to summon a nurse to push it in the night. In any case it was being pushed every couple of minutes. How on earth would anybody without family manage. After two days constantly on morphine, strange things began to happen. I was having hallucinations, although I didn't know this at the time, it was all very real. My family came to visit and I told them the hospital walls moved up and down occasionally and changed colour. I then saw nurses trying to creep up in the night and try and remove my drips. I actually saw them crawling on the floor. I thought they were trying to kill me. I must stay awake and protect myself from them I kept awake all night. The thing is, it was obviously my mind, but at the time it was real and I was terrified. I saw a dog in the ward with two heads and told my family that it should never be allowed to be in the ward. I stayed like this for two days and nights, which were the worst days ever of my life, this was really happening to me. When I told my family they tried to reassure me and said the nurses were not trying to kill me. I knew they were I had seen it, my family either were not listening or they are in league with the nursing staff and want me to die. It was a terrible thing to believe but was so real there was no other explanation. It sounds amazing to me now but at the time I was completely devastated that my family were all plotting against me, I had nobody in the world. I came very close to ripping all the pipes out of me. I wanted to jump out of the windows, I had been deserted by the ones I loved so much. There was no help. Unknown to me my family had been speaking to the doctors about the terrible hallucinations and the morphine was stopped. A nurse came to me and apologised for not realising what was happening to me and I was told that there were other strong painkillers that would not make me hallucinate.
Please do not think this is usual. if you are going into hospital and need morphine then you should know this extreme reaction is not common. This was my first time with morphine and my family know it was my last time.
As soon as I could move at all I got out of bed and staggered very slowly up and down the ward every hour or so to get exercise. I wanted to get out. The physiotherapists came to see me and said I should perhaps not do so much too quickly. Never mind about that, I knew the way for me to start recovering was to get home. I begged the doctors, oncologist and nurses to let me out of hospital and get me home. After a lot of pleading by myself and my family I came home in less than a week from the major surgery. The nurses were surprised I was going home so early. I was very yellow and suffering from jaundice, possible because of the constant intake of paracetamol all through the week through the drip. I felt very ill, I didn't want to eat much apart from tinned rice and ice cream occasionally. I was very weak for a long time. I was home and mentally upbeat and this was what I need for recovery. I could see my family again, be part of their lives, talking and laughing. I was so relieved to get home.
My operation lasted ten hours. That was a very long time for anyone to to be under anaesthetic. I was sixty six, so not a spring chicken. I was in a terrible state immediately after the operation. When I came round I was extremely groggy to say the least. I was not able to remain conscious for long and when I was conscious it was like being a part of a dream. I remember my family standing by the side of the bed. I was in a lot of pain from the operation. My oncologist said before the operation that you will go through hell when you wake up and he wasn't joking. I had a morphine line fixed to me and a button to press to push more morphine into my blood stream when required. I was attached to a paracetamol intravenous drip as well, which was releasing constant paracetamol into my body. I tried to speak to my family but my lips were swollen and I didn't make much sense as I was also slurring my speech. I did not have enough strength to push the morphine button, so my family had to do that for me when I indicated I needed more, which was very frequent. My lovely wife told the night duty Sister that I could not push the button to stop the pain and asked if she could sit with me all night to push the button when required. The kind Sister said that it was not allowed but if she sat next to my bed quietly then it would be ok. When the morning shift came on, the new Sister asked my wife why she was there. My wife explained to her and the Sister was annoyed and said you can not stay any longer and my wife had to leave. I do not know what would have happened if my wife had not stayed. I could not stop the dreadful pain without morphine and did not have the strength to summon a nurse to push it in the night. In any case it was being pushed every couple of minutes. How on earth would anybody without family manage. After two days constantly on morphine, strange things began to happen. I was having hallucinations, although I didn't know this at the time, it was all very real. My family came to visit and I told them the hospital walls moved up and down occasionally and changed colour. I then saw nurses trying to creep up in the night and try and remove my drips. I actually saw them crawling on the floor. I thought they were trying to kill me. I must stay awake and protect myself from them I kept awake all night. The thing is, it was obviously my mind, but at the time it was real and I was terrified. I saw a dog in the ward with two heads and told my family that it should never be allowed to be in the ward. I stayed like this for two days and nights, which were the worst days ever of my life, this was really happening to me. When I told my family they tried to reassure me and said the nurses were not trying to kill me. I knew they were I had seen it, my family either were not listening or they are in league with the nursing staff and want me to die. It was a terrible thing to believe but was so real there was no other explanation. It sounds amazing to me now but at the time I was completely devastated that my family were all plotting against me, I had nobody in the world. I came very close to ripping all the pipes out of me. I wanted to jump out of the windows, I had been deserted by the ones I loved so much. There was no help. Unknown to me my family had been speaking to the doctors about the terrible hallucinations and the morphine was stopped. A nurse came to me and apologised for not realising what was happening to me and I was told that there were other strong painkillers that would not make me hallucinate.
Please do not think this is usual. if you are going into hospital and need morphine then you should know this extreme reaction is not common. This was my first time with morphine and my family know it was my last time.
As soon as I could move at all I got out of bed and staggered very slowly up and down the ward every hour or so to get exercise. I wanted to get out. The physiotherapists came to see me and said I should perhaps not do so much too quickly. Never mind about that, I knew the way for me to start recovering was to get home. I begged the doctors, oncologist and nurses to let me out of hospital and get me home. After a lot of pleading by myself and my family I came home in less than a week from the major surgery. The nurses were surprised I was going home so early. I was very yellow and suffering from jaundice, possible because of the constant intake of paracetamol all through the week through the drip. I felt very ill, I didn't want to eat much apart from tinned rice and ice cream occasionally. I was very weak for a long time. I was home and mentally upbeat and this was what I need for recovery. I could see my family again, be part of their lives, talking and laughing. I was so relieved to get home.